Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Absolute Worst Novel-Made-Movie EVER!!!

As you might have guessed, I like reading. Yes it's true, I love to read. One of my favorite book series was (and is) Percy Jackson and the Olympians. A couple of years ago, a movie was made. I came to the theaters to see what Christopher Columbus (director of the first two Harry Potter movies, which was fantastically a-may-zahhh!!!) had done to contribute to the eager fans that wanted to see Percy Jackson on the big screen.

All I can say is that I was really, really, REALLY disappointed. I was literally silently counting on my fingers how many flaws that movie had. I gave up after thirty and designated it as a lost cause. About a year later, I rented the movie from my local library, got out my laptop, and listed how many flaws this movie had because I lost track after the thirty flaws I ticked off in the theater, which I've lovingly decided to spoil it for those who haven't seen this abomination of a novel-made-movie.

Here is the list I lovingly made listing all the flaws (beware for extreme upper-case protests!):

  1. Poseidon: NO BERMUDA SHORTS OR HAWAIIAN SHIRT!
  2. Percy's mom: WHERE IS THE "AMERICA'S SWEET SHOP"?!
  3. Gabe: WHERE'S THE FAT, GREASY SLIMEBALL??!!
  4. Mrs. Dodds: "HONEY". WHERE IS THE FREAKING "HONEY"???!!!
  5. Percy's sword: IT WAS HANDED TO HIM BY CHIRON INSTEAD OF CHIRON THROWING THE DAMN THING TO PERCY TO KILL THE FURY MRS. DODDS!!
  6. NO TRIP TO THE BEACH CABIN! THEY JUST LEAVE!
  7. The Minotaur: WHERE IN THE NAME OF THE GREEK GODS ARE HIS FREAKING TIDY-WHITEYS?!
  8. The entrance to the camp: WHERE IS THE FREAKING APPLE FARM AND THE LONE PINE TREE OF THALIA???!!!
  9. The Minotaur's horn: PERCY DOESN'T JUST BREAK THE DAMN THING OFF! (I looked over it again and saw this as true to the book)
  10. The defeated Minotaur: WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY DIDN'T THE DAMN MONSTER TURN INTO DUST AFTER HE FRIGGING DIED????!!!!
  11. Camp Half-Blood: IT'S JUST A CAMP IN THE FREAKING WOODS OUT OF NYC, NOT A CAMP WITH A CLEARING AND A BEACH ON THE LONG ISLAND SOUND!
  12. Annabeth: SHE ISN'T BLOND!!!!!!!!!!!
  13. Chiron: HE HAS NO WHITE HORSE BODY! HE'S A BLEACHED BLOND, NOT A BRUNETTE, COLUMBUS! ARE YOU FREAKING COLORBLIND??!!
  14. THE CABINS AT THE CAMP AREN'T ALL TOGETHER AND IN A FREAKING SEMICIRCLE!
  15. How Percy finds out that he's the son of Poseidon: THERE IS NO GREEN FLOATING THINGY ABOVE HIS HEAD! CHIRON JUST TELLS HIM!!!
  16. WHERE IN THE NAME OF HELL IS LUKE'S SCAR???!!! (inflicted by Percy in the final showdown for the Lightning Bolt, WHICH IS STILL EFFING WRONG!!!!)
  17. WHERE IS CLARISSE??????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  18. The river: THAT'S WHERE HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MARKED BY HIS FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  19. Hades: HE DOES NOT COME BARGING INTO THE CAMP IN THE FIRST BOOK!! WE DON'T EVEN MEET HIM UNTIL THE THIRD BOOK!!!!!!!!!!
  20. PERCY DOESN'T JUST LEAVE THE CAMP: CHIRON ORGANIZES THE TEAM TO GO WITH PERCY!!!
  21. WHERE IS THE MUMMY ORACLE?????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK HERE, PEOPLE??!!
  22. THERE ARE NO PERSEPHONE'S PEARLS IN ANY OF THE BOOKS!!
  23. THE PERSEPHONE'S PEARLS AREN'T THE REASON THEY GO TO AUNTY EM'S! THEY STUMBLE ON IT LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO IN THE BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  24. Medusa: SHE'S SUPPOSED TO ALSO SERVE BURGERS AND WEAR A VEIL AND BE ALL OLD AND DECREPID!!!
  25. THEY DON'T EVER GO TO THE PARTHENON IN NASHVILLE IN ANY OF THE BOOKS!
  26. THEY DON'T CONFRONT THEY HYDRA UNTIL THE SECOND OR THIRD BOOK!
  27. NO IRIS-MESSAGING AT ALL!
  28. THEY HYDRA DOESN'T DIE BY GETTING THE MEDUSA VISION!!!
  29. The Lotus Hotel: THEY DON'T GO THERE UNTIL THE THIRD BOOK!!!!
  30. NO HOLLYWOOD UNTIL THE THIRD BOOK!!!
  31. THE ROUTE TO THE FREAKING UNDERWORLD IS NOT BEHIND THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN, IT'S UNDER THE RECORDING STUDIO IN HOLLYWOOD!!!!!
  32. PERSEPHONE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SEDUCTIVE!!
  33. PERSEPHONE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE INTRODUCED UNTIL THE FOURTH OR FIFTH BOOK!
  34. LUKE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE FOUND OUT UNTIL THE END OF THE FIRST BOOK!
  35. NO GREAT HUGE SHOWDOWN BETWEEN LUKE AND PERCY IN NEW YORK CITY IN THE BOOKS AT EFFING ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  36. NO MORTAL OR DEMIGOD CAN HANDLE THE POWER OF THE MASTER BOLT! THEY'D DIE!
  37. WHERE IS THE GABE STATUE??!!!???!?!?!?!?!?!
So how many flaws were there in total: 37 34

Well, thanks for dealing with another one of my psychotic episodes, but Chris Columbus really screwed up. Since he did the first two Harry Potter so identical to what J.K. Rowling had in her books, I was extremely disappointed that he didn't get the Percy Jackson film right. You think I'm being a movie snob who says that every book being portrayed on the big screen has to be the original plotline, character study, etc.? Well, I don't: the Princess Diaries movies didn't go with the original plotline, setting, character identification, Grand-mere, but I was fine with it. It was actually kinda cute. But what really gets me about the Percy Jackson movie is Chris Columbus stating years earlier that he liked portraying the books as best he could. Go check it out if you don't believe me. Here's the link! Go buy it to see if I'm right!
Anyway, the reason I'm so royally cheesed off is because he broke his coda from the Harry Potter movies! He royally screwed up the first book and decided to make it his own little fanfic on what he wanted the books to go!

Or, at least, that's how I saw it....

Thanks again for sitting through another mental episode. I'll leave you questioning your sanity by watching Percy Jackson: The Lighting Thief. My advice:

DON'T!

<3, RS





Harry Potter is watching you, Mr. Columbus. He'll go all magic on your ass if you screw another series up, and his friends and the disappointed fans'll help scar you into oblivion. Be afraid................