Oh dear God, not another one...
I find myself loving and yet hating this ship as deemed by Peter Jackson. The reason/s that I like this shipping is because
a. I like to see good things come to Kili, the cutest Dwarf of the entire company/race of peoples, and
b. I actually think they make a cute pairing. They have enough charisma between the two of them to create a cute relationship that will become the new Franchise Couple of 2014 (examples of effective Franchise Couples: Ron and Hermione, Ten and Rose, Amy and Rory, Sherlock and Jawn, Bella and Edward (if you like the Twilight saga), etc.).
Yet, this is also why I'm hating this shipping decision. You see, like many Anglophile Nerds of the Internet, I have suffered under the emotional abuses that come with watching an addictive, nerdy TV series, mainly thanks to Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss. Those who are familiar with their works are familiar with a certain formula. Hopefully, PJ hasn't caught on to this formula, because I really don't want this Thanksgiving to be filled with more anguish than I have already in terms of canon shippings.
Here's how this shipping process would look like if PJ adopted this emotional-abuser formula (<clears throat> shipping formula):
THE 21ST CENTURY "NERDY MEDIA" SHIPPING FORMULA AS APPLIED TO "THE HOBBIT":
- The two halves meet in unusual circumstances (in Elven prison)
- Conversations ensue between the two halves, creating a deeper connection of amity and friendship (the small talk about Kili's promise stone and the Elven holiday of the stars or something)
- Something dramatic/adventurous happens where one of the two helps the other out/the two do something together, where their connection with each other deepens
(Kili gets injured by getting shot in the leg while trying to open the floodgates of the Elf Castle-Place, temporarily disabling him from fending himself against an approaching Orc; Tauriel helps him not get killed by shooting down plenty of Orc soldiers that are trying to kill him, letting him go free with his companions)
- Another dramatic/adventurous moment happens where something happens so there is an imminent threat of a point of no return, where there is no escape from the inevitable, so one of the two halves proclaims their love for the other, and the connection between the two deepens into undying love
(the Morgul Blade poison starts killing Kili, at which point Tauriel catches up to the remaining company in Laketown, fends off some Orcs, and uses the Kingsfoil to cure Kili at the last minute; Kili realizes that Tauriel is the one girl for him when he goes through the same vision that Frodo did when Arwen came to help in Fellowship of the Ring, and indirectly asks if she loves him as much as he loves her)
Then comes the next steps in this formula where I'm hoping that PJ hasn't already decided on accomplishing in the Tauriel/Kili ship:
- A call for aid/battle comes where the two halves are split and duke it out against the evil forces/antagonist
(the battle of Laketown, Smaug, and Azog the Defiler)
- One of the two halves gets killed in a slow, painful death, in which the other half rushes to the other's side as they say a couple of last words as they die, breaking the hearts of the viewing audience
(this will probably be Tauriel who gets the axe, so Kili will have to sob over her dead body as the battle rages around them)
- There will be a heavy emphasis over the loss, such as extended moping, funeral sessions that take forever, general sadness, etc.
(if this formula should take effect, I would like to see a funeral/honor session for Tauriel in the elven fashion on how she was a great warrior and elf, etc.)
- The surviving half of the ship will be now forever sullen over the death of the significant other, leaving the audience with a/another gaping hole of sadness of losing another character over this goddamn formula
(pretty self explanatory. I will become severely depressed if I'm forced to see a harsh, sad, unforgiving Kili by the time There and Back Again is over)
please, Peter Jackson,
for the love of God,
PLEASE don't go through with this! You didn't do this with the original LOTR trilogy, and that turned out great! Please, I am begging you, literally groveling on my knees, DO NOT GO WITH THIS FORMULA!
I don't know how much my heart can take...
Kili's promise stone...
There's no real reason for why it was brought onscreen except for some small talk, right?...
Oh my God...
PETER JACKSON, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, PHILLIPA BOYENS, AND FRAN WALSH FOR TAKING SUCH A F***ING EMOTIONAL SHORTCUT IN WRITING!!!
You know what? It's okay. I didn't really need a heart anyway. Who needs strong, positive emotions?
<violently sobs in the corner>